This is how it is now.

I wake up
and I get up.
There is no snuggle time.
Showers are long where they used to be short
I let the hot water cuddle every part of my body.

I’m early to pick up a friend

She’s the first person I will get to speak to in the morning.
I will snap at her unintentionally in a working day
for the same reason.

I am there and not there.

Students make me laugh and I marvel at their invincibility and
simultaneous vulnerability.
I do not wish for these times again
just the conviction that
When you are in love with someone
It is the only thing
The forever thing.

At night

I find myself at dance class
Or dinner with a friend
Or walking with a friend
Or anything with an anybody
To avoid the fact
my somebody is not coming home to me.
Not walking through the door, leaving the happenings of the
day behind the minute they see me.
And smile.

I get into bed with a heat pack and will myself to stretch out into
the empty space beside me
as if this is something to delight in mischievously
As if it’s not my side to take.

I stay up later now

In the hope exhaustion will mean fewer dreams and less hours awake and turning.

This is how it is now.
I hang my head and think
You fool.


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